How to Tell Your Kids Someone They Love Is Dying

It is never easy to break bad news, and it can be especially difficult to break bad news to our children. Bereavement counselor Amy Keiper-Shaw offers advice on how to talk to your children if someone they love is dying.

While we all try to live our best and happiest lives, one day something difficult will invariably happen to us and our families. Maybe a grandparent or a pet is so ill that they have been told they are going to die, or a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Are you and your child prepared to communicate effectively during these tough times? Here are some suggestions to help you talk to your child when death is a possibility.

“One must talk little and listen much.” — African proverb

• First, try to distinguish your emotions about the news from what to tell your kids. It’s always harder to talk about bad news when it’s an emotional issue for you. Allow yourself to “sit with” your feelings before sharing the news with a child. Try to be calm — even if the news is upsetting to you. If you’re overly emotional, your child may feel that he or she needs to take care of you instead of having their own reaction.
• Mentally rehearse how you will deliver the news. You may wish to practice out loud, as you would for public speaking. Script specific words and phrases to use or avoid. Be open and prepared for your kids’ reactions. Some may cry. Others may get angry. Some may not seem to react at all. Don’t read too much into your child’s initial reaction — for some kids, it takes a while for the news to sink in.
• Arrange to talk in a private, comfortable location. For example, have your child sit on your lap, or talk on his or her bed. Having a favorite comfort item available (a blanket, stuffed animal, or favorite toy) can help. Turn off your cell phone, TV, and other background distractions.
• Be honest, and don’t be afraid of their reactions. Long before we realize it, children become aware of death and of approaching bad news. It may be tempting to withhold it, but when we aren’t honest, children make up their own explanation for the tense environment — and what they imagine is often worse than the truth. Foreshadow the news: “I’m sorry, but I have some bad news.”
• When you meet with the child, ask what they already know and understand. Be prepared to provide basic information about prognosis and treatment options if any are available. Give information according to your child’s age — younger children require less than older teenagers.
• Speak frankly but compassionately. Avoid euphemisms and medical jargon. Use words like “cancer” or “death” rather than “going to sleep,” and avoid false hope. Offer realistic hope: even if a cure isn’t realistic, share what options are available, such as hospice or medications that help the person or pet have the best quality of life possible.
• Have the child tell you their understanding of what you have said. Use repetition and gentle corrections as needed. Encourage them to ask questions now or in the future, and follow up often to see if new questions have come up.
• Allow silence and tears, and resist the urge to talk to overcome your own discomfort. Proceed at the child’s pace. Be empathetic — it’s appropriate to say “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know.”
• Talk about what the bad news means for them personally. Be as clear as possible about how it will change their life — or not. “Mom won’t be able to take you to school anymore, so our neighbor will bring you instead.” Older kids will want more details than younger ones.
• Reassure your kids. When bad things happen, they need to hear that you love them and that you’re there for them. If you’re uncertain how long you can be there (such as with a terminal prognosis), make sure they know of other caring, trusted adults who will be there for them too.
• Don’t be surprised if your child tries to blame you or someone else for the bad news. It’s hard for children and teens to understand that sometimes bad things just happen.
• Do something special with your child. You can explain that when bad things happen, it often helps to do something you enjoy. Ask what they would like to do with you — maybe go to the playground or play a board game. It’s important for children to know it’s okay to still want to have fun and enjoy life, and not to feel guilty about wanting to be happy.
• Model the grief process. It helps children and teens to see that there are hard times and that people get through them by making positive coping choices. Share examples: even when you don’t feel like exercising, you notice it helps you feel better; even when you’re tempted to eat poorly, you feel better when you eat well. Talking about the ups and downs while modeling healthy coping helps your child be more intentional about their own choices as they grieve.
• Although older teenagers may seem able to take on more hardship than younger kids, remember that they still don’t have the life experience you do. Hearing bad news can be extremely difficult for a teenager and can sometimes trigger risky behaviors, particularly if they were struggling beforehand or feeling especially vulnerable.
• Talk to other significant adults in your child’s life — a teacher, coach, or club leader. Sometimes a child will open up to another adult, and it helps if everyone shares the same information.

Parents, remember this

• Attend to your own needs during and after delivering bad news. Find a few people who are good listeners and can help with practical things, such as taking the kids to after-school activities.
• Allow yourself to accept help.

It can be challenging to be the bearer of bad news, but remember that others can assist. Asking for help from a social worker, counselor, trusted friend, or spiritual adviser can ease the conversation and connect your family to resources in the community.

— Amy Keiper-Shaw, LCSW